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Donna on the Side - special edition

Track Moms Talk
We invite four track moms for lunch, and they have plenty to say.

by Donna Dye

During the National Scholastic Indoor Championship (NSIC) in New York, I invited  a number of track moms for lunch.  (I know I'm in trouble for not inviting dads.  But I thought that would be better as another luncheon.)  As a former track mom and a person who roams the sidelines talking with parents with varied backgrounds and experiences, I am asked a lot of questions.  Since I'm out of practice (last child out of high school was 1999) and not an expert,  I decided  to gather track moms together to share experiences and practices.   With indoor nationals coming up, the timing was right.  The invitation list included mothers of kids who were entered in NSIC.   Scheduling was a problem.  But in the end there were four mothers, one grandfather who audited our session and made valuable contributions, and me.  We met at steps away from the New York Armory at Coogan's Restaurant, the best place for track and field fans to gather for food, fun and conversation,

To stimulate discussion and answer specific questions, I prepared a discussion guide.  I didn't need it.  It was instant camaraderie even though none of them knew each other before the luncheon.    After the introductions, they started in on issues of importance and kept going.  Mostly we talked about help in making college choices, pressure on athletes, and life on the side.  The discussions were dynamic and everybody had something to say.  I should have known that the meeting would go well.  After all, just look at their kids.  They are all high performers, talented, polite, well rounded and, I guess, a little fun loving now and then.

Some Highlights

College Choices.  Moms wanted to know about making a good college visit (deciding where to go, what questions to ask, when to go etc.).
Pressure on Athletes.  This was a big one.  Most of the mothers thought that kids are often under too much pressure to set records.  Description of kids and their performances in media and blogs often make mothers wince.  The mothers want the kids to do well, but they want them to have fun too.  The pressure to excel sometimes interferes with having fun and sometimes contributes to performances that no one is happy about. 
Life as a Track Mom.  While we discussed many aspects of this topic, the discussion guide that follows summarizes the discussion.

The time came when we had to stop....there was a track meet going on.  But they said they all had fun and wanted more sessions, some with speakers and at least one mother volunteered to help in future sessions.  I felt they all enjoyed coming together to talk and have fun and maybe they walked away feeling better, ready to give the next hug or tackle the next problem.

All of the mothers completed the discussion guide as a way to share their experiences and methods with other track moms. 

The moms (and their kids)
  • Jeana King-Beach (Curtis Beach, New Mexico decathlete, senior who will attend Duke next year)
  • Cheri Spigner (Ashton Purvis, California sprinter, junior.  Also, mom to daughter Julian Purvis, sprinter, now at Michigan)
  • Andrea Wilson (Trinity Wilson, California hurdler, freshman)
  • Suzanne Walsh (Dana Walsh, NY middle distance, and Alice Walsh, NY hurdler, junior twin sisters)
 The Moms at Coogan's
(from left) Andrea Wilson, Suzanne Walsh, Cheri Spigner, Donna Dye, Jeana King-Beach
 

Here is what they had to say!


 Donna: What is a track mom?
  • Jeana:A track mom is someone who supports her kids by helping them to participate.   She helps her children to develop into responsible, kind, caring people by teaching them to win and lose with integrity and to respect and mentor other competitors.   She encourages her kids to enjoy all the moments;  be happy when you win or improve and learn from your mistakes.  Don't dwell on the negative aspects, make a plan for how you can fix it and follow through with your plan.  She is also the chauffeur, equipment manager, "water girl", first aid provider and concession queen.
  • Cheri:I think a track mom is a mother of a track athlete.  A track mom supports their child in the sport by picking up and dropping off to practice, attending meets, ensuring the athlete eats well, sleeps enough and is prepared for competition both mentally and physically.  A track mom also travels with the athlete when competitions take them away from home. In addition, a track and field mom takes on an interest in the sport to become aware of the competition and the sport on a broader level.
  • Andrea:Biggest Supporter, Cheerleader, Fan, Taxi Driver
  • Suzanne:My feeling is that a track mom is a super mom who is there as needed for support – not in your face but there….
  Donna: What should be the role of a track mom?  Is there one way, your way, the athlete’s way?  Is it bringing the hugs, kisses, tissues, food, cheering on the side or…all/none?  How do you decide?
  • Jeana: My role is to support my child's' passion by getting him to practice, finding the right coaches, keeping him well nourished and hydrated, getting excellent medical care, making sure he his doing his school work , community service and helping him with time management  so that he is not overwhelmed.  My role is  to be his biggest fan and to love him unconditionally regardless of his track performances and school performances. There are times that performances suffer for one reason or another and my job is to help sort out what's going well and what's  not going so well and provide support and offer solutions.   I need to help him make good choices.  I am fortunate that Curtis is very motivated and I don't have to push him at all.  I do have to help him manage his time as he would forget to do anything but track. My husband or I attend every meet that we
    can.  I try to fit my "work schedule" around track and my kids' other activities.  It's important to be there for them, even if they don't want you.  Just being there shows them you care and that you are invested in their
    interests. 
  • Cheri:I believe the track mom should be a mom.  Usually an elite athlete has a coach who has been entrusted to get the results needed to compete well at the meet so the athlete does not need another coach; they need a mother for comfort and support.  The coach may be disappointed with an athlete’s performance so it is the mom’s job to be a comforter or a coach may think too highly of an athlete and it is for the mom to make sure the athlete is humble and gracious. 
    Ashton has a very strong personality and she and her coach have a very good relationship so I let it be their way most of the time. I have put her in the hands of a coach whom I have tremendous respect for so I don’t have a problem deferring to him.  However, I am knowledgeable enough of the sport and more importantly of what my children need, to know when to interject a thought or idea that her coach and I can discuss and use a rationale to come up with the best option for her. 
    I do bring hugs, cheers and food to the meet but usually she is well prepared and does not need much from me other then my presence.  Over the years, I have had to learn how to take a step back and let her grow in the sport and as a person.  I allow her to exercise her independence but am not too far away if she needs me.
  • Andrea:First and foremost it is to simply be a MOM.  Not manager, not coach, not assistant coach, not trainer.  For me, Mom should be the voice of reason and balance.  I am not an expert in track and field and I do not pretend to be one.  My goal is to make sure that my child is happy with what she does, and humble in how she does it.
    The only way is the RIGHT way.  This is a sport and can end at any given moment.  At the end of the day it is not about how fast you ran or how high you jumped, but the sportsmanship and character you portrayed before, during, and after you did it – that’s the true athlete’s way.  For me, Mom’s way is what happens off the track – like in home, expectations in school (grades), church, etc.  Example – my house, my way.  Trinity jokingly said one day after I told her to clean up the kitchen “but I broke a record today”, my response was that it did not matter to me if she broke a record or not your chores are still your chores.  So, there is no special treatment because you are good on a track – break a record washing the dishes!  Impress me with that! 
  • Suzanne:I don’t think that there is any ONE way – it’s individual and you have to feel it out with your child. It might even be different at different meets. Of course the schlepping of water, food, etc. is just a given. I want to be at as many meets as possible for the pure and simple reason that you never know what might happen – if it’s a success, I’ll be there to congratulate; if it’s not a success, I can be there to console – or to say nothing which is often the case but I’m still there. Of course in reality I can’t be at every meet (though I get the feeling that some moms are – no matter what) If I am not there and my girls call me the minute after the race, I know it’s good news. If they don’t call, I figure it wasn’t the best and we’ll talk when they are ready.
  Donna: Is there fun to being a track mom?
  • Jeana:You Bet there is!!!!  It is just wonderful to watch your kids improve and to feel good about the work they have put in and to see it pay off.   It's fun to travel and just be together. You don't have to win to have a good time and be happy.  I remember the first 200m that Curtis ran.  He was a bantam and he ran at the Phoenix invitational.  He was 6th out of 7.  (in a prelim, no less)  The next meet he was 5th and so very happy that he improved.   Our coaches (Ken Woodley and Polly Rogers) made a big, big deal about personal bests and this really served to enhance the self esteem of the  kids.  Coach Ken encouraged the kids to try every event and to run the "Run for the Zoo" because eventually the kids would find something they liked. The kids chose
    their events, not the parents, because the kids were the ones putting in the work.  Track was about working hard,running with your friends, having fun, improving yourself and eating lots of snow cones!  (Not about putting pressure on yourself to win a national championship.  If that comes its a great side effect.)
  • Cheri: Absolutely, in my opinion track and field is the only true sport, everything else is just a game ?  I love to travel and I have traveled extensively with my children and track. I have met so many other wonderful moms who have had similar experiences as me and we have bonded like sisters.  I enjoy my annual New York trip (I will miss that after next year ?) and I look forward to summers abroad depending on where the World Teams are headed.  Not to mention the pure competition of a meet, from the distance races, to the field events, to the sprints, jumps and hurdles. I have seen some amazing performances that I would have never witnessed if not for track..
  • Andrea:It is fun but sometimes stressful.  I am usually very nervous before a hurdle race.  It is so technical that a simple misstep could be horrific. That is what I fear about hurdles.  The fun is in seeing my child and others happy and excited about what they accomplished.
  • Suzanne:It can be fun and sometimes it can be a drag – like an endless weekend, especially when you have 2 kids competing….I just mark off the time and try to make the best of it. PS – having Coogan’s nearby for indoor season is a plus!!!!
  Donna: How do you implement that?  How often do you live up to what you think your role should be?  Do you fret about the way you act or what you sometimes do?  Does you athlete ever tell you to butt out?  What did you say or do?
  • Jeana:Lets see....  I try to be a good role model by being positive by encouraging them to do their best.  Sometimes I fail because I have work conflicts and can't always be there.  Sometimes, emotionally, I'm not the best one to help and the grandparents do a better job.  I am fortunate to have a great husband who also supports the kids in their endeavors.  I sometimes get too excited at  track meets.  Usually, Curtis has no clue and doesn't care...so that's good. AJ, however, thinks I am crazy and tries not to be closely associated with me.....  :)  Curtis and I have disagreed about a training plan in the past.  We worked it out by seeking  an expert .  (former coach Henry of the University of NM and Adam Kedge, his coach at Albuquerque Academy) and they helped us both come to an understanding that we could live with. We both gave a little.
  • Cheri:•    How often do you live up to what you think your role should be?
    o    I believe I live up to my role most of the time.  
    •    Do you fret about the way you act or what you sometimes do?
    o    Not anymore, I have come a long way from youth track and yelling at the top of my lungs…
    •    Does your athlete ever tell you to butt out?  What did you say/do?
    o    No they are careful not to be disrespectful to me because they realize how much of a sacrifice I make daily to help them reach their goals but we have had conversations around pressure  and expectations, so I try to make home a safe zone that does not necessarily have to be a track zone unless they want it.  They mainly say “mom, I don’t want to talk about my race” or “I already talked about it with Curtis (coach)”.  So unless they initiate the conversation, I just ask the simple questions of how was practice, how do you feel and is there anything I can do to help you?
  • Andrea:How often do you live up to what you think your role should be?
    I am simply living up to my role as a Mom…………..not a “track” mom.  My role does not change because she races.
    Do you fret about the way you act or what you sometimes do? 
    Absolutely not.  I stay as neutral as possible when it comes to track.
    Does your athlete ever tell you to butt out?  What did you say/do?
    Sometimes she does not like me to talk about or share with others her accomplishments because it embarrasses her (so I don’t say it IN FRONT of her!)  
  • Suzanne:I try to get their signals beforehand. It took a while (especially since there are 2 and they are different) but the main thing I have learned is that saying less is best – especially before a race.
    I don’t fret easily in these situations – of course I get nervous but I don’t fret about the way I act. I think I’m pretty cool about how I handle myself at races. But yes, they have both told me to butt out, go away, etc. and I’ll be honest it is not the nicest feeling especially since I am giving up the day, the weekend, the season, sometimes it even feels like my life! BUT then I quickly remember that it isn’t about ME, it’s about THEM!!!
  Donna: What about the practical things?  Travel, Chauffeuring, event/practice hours/interference with family events?
  • Jeana:Well...for Curtis, track is his priority.  Our vacations revolve around track meets.  Practice is the number one priority and sometimes we miss family events. ( and he doesn't play a musical instrument).  David and I have both not pursued some job opportunities because they would negatively impact our family time.   We try to work out our time effectively and don't miss the big family events.  I  don't feel like I have missed out on life by spending the past 11 years devoted to track and sports . We have traveled to places we never would have gone to.  Curtis has developed a strong work ethic and we have spent quality time together.    I can't think of anything else I'd rather do than be with my kids, our track family and extended family supporting Curtis and watching him do something he loves. His best friend, training partner and fellow decathlete,  Daniel Gooris, shares this passion and they have had such a wonderful time training and competing together. Life is so
    short, we don't know what it has in store for us.  It's not always about the destination but enjoying our journey along the way.  The past 11 years have been a wonderful journey for Curtis and our family, if it all ended tomorrow I would be very happy with what we did.  I have no regrets. I believe my son has turned out to be a hard worker. He is a goal oriented, well rounded kid and  a very good person because of his track and field experience.
  • Cheri:Yes I try to make all track meets if I can.  I do find some fun in each place I go, even if it is Pocatello Idaho.  Chauffeuring?  Yes I am the chauffeur to all practices and most invitational and away meets.   Although I have well rounded children and I try to make sure track is not the most important thing in our lives, it does dictate our schedule.  We do not miss practice and other events are planned around track.  We have a community of support and all of our friend and family know that it is track first and then we will get to whatever event that is planned.
  • Andrea: Absolutely, travel and vacation time is scheduled around and according to the track season.  But we try to make time for other non-track fun with family and friends.
  • Suzanne:
    a. Travel—do you go?  Often?  I go as much as I can – Peter tends to go to the far away ones (NIKE – North Carolina) or else we let the girls go alone with their coach(es) when it’s for STATES with the school
    b.    Chauffeuring?  Whenever needed
    c.    Events/Practice hours/interference with family events?? What do you do?  This to me is the biggest challenge – juggling the huge demands of school work, college test prep and practices with meets – I don’t think there is an answer. Some kids can manage better as I am witness to presently.
  Donna: Depending on the event, many meets can be long for track moms.  What do yo do when your athlete isn't competing? When he is not around?
  • Jeana: We spend our time at the meet first, that's why we are there.  We enjoy watching other kids.  We eat, hydrate and stay cool or warm, depending on the temperature.  After the meet we try to find something to do that is fun, like explore the area, look up old friends or see a movie.  (or study, depending on if school is in session)
  • Cheri:I enjoy track enough and know quite a few of the athletes that compete so it does not bother me to watch events that my children do not compete in.  If I am in a new place, I tend to site see, get in a little window shopping and try to find nice restaurants or lounges to hear good music.  If it is a local school meet, I support their team members.
  • Suzanne:Always bring a book or newspaper
  Donna: What do you do and/or say when your kid wins, doesn't win, on the ride home?
  • Jeana: Win:  Congratulate him, let him talk about the experience.  Let him enjoy the moment.
    Lose:  Let him talk, help him formulate a plan to do better, help him remember to be a good sport, give credit where credit is due and congratulate the winner. Mostly,  remember, life goes on....just because you lost today, doesn't  mean that the world will end.  You can recover and do better next time.   You are the only one that can change the way you feel by making a plan to improve.  We are proud of you and your fforts...win or lose.
    The ride home:  Sometimes it's quiet.  When he wants to talk, we listen and try to help, never blame or be critical .
  • Cheri: She wins - I say I am so proud of you!
    She doesn’t win or do what she wanted to do – I ask if she did her best and if she in not happy I advise her to think about what she can do to improve and make sure she works on that for the next time and that I am so proud of you!
    On that ride home – we  don’t tend to discuss track on the ride home
  • Andrea: She wins – say GOOD JOB!
    She doesn’t win or do what she wanted to do? – Very little.  I let her bring it up when she wants to talk about it.  If Trinity does not want to talk about it………..it is very obvious because she is QUIET, so I do not pressure her about it at all.  I give her space, which is what she wants until she is ready.
  • Suzanne: It’s easy to say anything when they win – it’s what to say or not to say when they don’t do as well as they wanted to. There are all the clichés but they don’t usually work. I actually hate it that my girls are so ferociously hard on themselves but I’ve been told that that’s where they get the drive and focus to go back and try again. Good for them – I don’t know if I could do it.
  Donna: When should you worry?
  • Jeana: If he seems depressed or can't seem to be happy about any performance. Sometimes you have to find an expert, the expert might be another coach, psychologist, or medical person.  If he is injured  you have to help him to cross train.  It is a very vulnerable and difficult time for the athlete.
  • Cheri: Personally, I worry when she wins but is still not happy with herself because at her age I don’t think it is healthy; but at least I know she is still hungry and motivated.  I think I would worry if I thought she didn’t enjoy it anymore or felt like she was being forced into running.
  • Andrea: When an athlete is unhappy………and it is obvious they are not running for themselves or for the joy of it.  When too much pressure is placed on the child.
  • Suzanne: Only when there is an injury.
 Donna: Do you have a best experience?
  • Jeana:This years NSIC would be really hard to top,  scoring 4127 in the pentathlon and coming back to run a personal best in the 800.  Other bests would be running the 4 X 800 in Miami with his best buddies (Daniel, Patrick and Brandon), his first XC nationals (as a bantam) in Spartanburg, NC (he was 103 out of 207) then, coming back the next year to Reno and getting 3rd.  Next, his first pentathlon at Youth Nationals in Miami as a midget, clearing 4'11" in the high jump and winning the pentathlon. Finally, being part of the Albuquerque Academy track and Cross country  teams are also some of the best experiences of his life.
  • Cheri: Julian and Ashton winning gold at World Youths in the Czech Republic, Julian running 13.32 at the state meet after struggling the first part of the season and Ashton breaking the 60 and 200 indoor records as a freshman and being declared the fastest freshman in history and then later setting the age 14 100 meter record.
  • Andrea:
    •    2006 Junior Olympic National Champion 80MH
    •    2008 Junior Olympic Youth National Champion 100MH and New National Record
    •    2008 Simplot Games – She was so excited about her accomplishments (60M/60H) as an 8th grader!
    •    2009 Simplot 60MH - Frosh National Record
    •    They were all the best because SHE was the most excited about it.  It is what SHE wanted most and worked so hard to accomplish.
  • Suzanne:Can’t recall – they all get melded together
  Donna: What is your worst experience?
  • Jeana: Pulling a hamstring at Nationals in Omaha as a midget and not being able to finish the pentathlon when he really thought he had a shot at winning.  And...not getting to do his other individual events at that meet. The worst part was the  rehab, as we could not get a doctor to take his injury seriously because he was 12.  We finally found some physicians and therapists to help us.  Through that experience, we found a wonderful physical therapist (Will Dunbar) who helps Curtis even now.
  • Cheri: Watching Julian struggle her junior season after winning state in her sophomore season.  Ashton’s first serious injury a week prior to the California State Meet…talk about pressure!!!
  • Andrea:
    •    2005 Junior Olympics.  The first (and last) time she fell hard over the hurdles in the preliminary round.  At the time she was ranked #2 in the nation.  It hurt to see her cry – although she got up and finished the race anyway dead last.  But I was more proud when the first words out of her mouth were “it was just not my time, it was not meant for me this year” and she moved on from it almost immediately.  She was very mature about it.
    •    2009 NSIC 60MH Final – It was not necessarily a worst experience but just a different experience.  Trinity had mixed emotions because her friend was upset about the race although Trinity won.  It was extremely close.  So Trinity was happy for her own win, but was “uncomfortable” that her friend was disappointed in the same race.
  • Suzanne:When Dana collapsed in the woods at Van Cortlandt and when Alice fell going over the hurdles.
 Donna: Some thoughts in closing?
  • Jeana: "Enjoy every moment, it all ends too soon."

    The college process....most schools can help students with the academic part  of the college process but many college guidance departments are at a complete loss as to how to deal with an athlete and how to help parents navigate the athletic college experience.  (for example, how and when can you contact a
    coach, how to really find out about a program, how to find the right fit)

    Thanks so much for all you do at Dyestat.  You have connected our children with coaches and college possibilities in a way no others have.  Thanks to you, Curtis got a great scholarship and a coach, that he really likes, found him.  You have given our track children a web site to love and have increased their self esteem by covering their performances,  making them feel important and providing a place where parents, coaches and college connections can happen!  You're the best!!!!
  • Cheri:  “It is a great being a phenomenal athlete but it is even better and more important being a phenomenal person”
    Advice: Track and field is a wonderful sport and the life’s lessons that it will teach your children are invaluable.  There are high highs and even lower lows but don’t let other peoples expectations of your children influence your relationship with them.  They are only children so let them enjoy being children.  Set realistic goals and have realistic expectations of what your children are capable of.  Make sure they are enjoying the sport and make sure that home is a safe place for them to come because other people and the media are not always nice and they need a safe haven so make sure that the safe haven is you.
  • Andrea:The bottom line is that at the end of the day that is my baby, my child, on the track, not someone’s athlete, someone’s record holder, someone’s teammate, someone’s #1 rank, etc.  I am mom all day and everyday…….not just track mom on weekends.  I was here for her before track and will be here for her after track is over.  In between time, nothing changes………..and a child should know that it is more important that you are a great PERSON, not a great athlete.  At the end of the day it is not about how fast you ran or how high you jumped, but the sportsmanship and character you displayed before, during, and after.
  • Suzanne: Just be there – even if you can’t make a meet, be there for them. they will love you for it

    Nice idea to have get togethers like the lovely lunch you treated us to at Coogan’s – thanks, Donna!
 
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